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Deal with death of a loved one The most basic fear in our lives is a fear of death. This fear comes naturally to us because we are biologically preprogrammed to preserve life. Biologically, this fear is very useful because it regulates our instincts to eat, sleep, reproduce, and stay strong and healthy. How we deal with this fear on intellectual level, greatly affects our mental health. It is absolutely necessary for our mental health that we accept death as a natural and welcome part of circle of life. We all at some point wished to live forever. Imagine how wonderful would that be. Now imagine how ridicules would it be if everyone that ever lived on this earth is still alive! It is absolutely necessary that we accept death as a natural and welcome part of circle of life. We are here because generations before us accepted this fact. We are here to allow generations after us to exist by accepting our death. This sounds so logical and easy to accept on the level of human population. It gets to be much scarier and more difficult when it comes to our personal life. It is especially difficult when it comes to losing people we love. We live our lives as social creatures. Our family and friends are very important to us to provide love and support. How much love and support we need depends on how secure we feel. We can feel as healthy and strong adults with a purpose in our life, and with a knowledge that our life will end once we are done with the purpose. In this case we don’t depend on other people to provide security for us, we feel safe. We have people in our life to give love to, to help, to provide for. If we lose someone close to us, we will feel sad, but not scared, left or angry. We understand that this person had a life of their own, purpose of their own, and death of their own. It makes us sad to lose someone that made our life richer, but we understand that it would be selfish to want their destiny to change to accommodate our needs. On the other hand, we can feel scared, confused, stressed, pulled on many sides, overloaded and unappreciated. We know that this is not a life we wanted, but we feel trapped in the situation and unable to change. We are terrified that we will die before we get to make a difference. We cling to others for comfort, for security, for content. When people we cling to die, we feel left and betrayed It is never easy to lose someone we love. How difficult it gets to be, depends on how structured we are. If we rely on outside world to provide happiness and security for us, we will perceive this loss as betrayal. We will believe that other people relay on us for their happiness and security too, and we will feel guilt. If we relay on ourselves for happiness and security, we will believe that everybody is in charge of their own destiny. Person you loved and lost lived their life according to their own script, and there was nothing anybody else could have done to change it. What we can do is believe that their death has a purpose in our life, find that purpose and fulfill it. Regardless of how structured we are, regardless of how much we understand and accept inevitability of death, losing a dear person will bring us many emotions. Dealing with these emotions is a very important part of dealing with life and death. Spend some time alone, (no TV, no books, no computers) and let yourself feel all the feelings that are coming up. Let them come over you, and feel them all. If you feel like crying, cry. If you feel like screaming, scream. If you feel scared, let that fear grow until it can’t grow any more. Feel all the feelings, and think all the thoughts as long as they keep coming. If you don’t hold anything back, if you don’t deny any of your most painful thoughts and feelings, they will all come out, and you will be left with peace. Holding thoughts and emotions inside will bring you more fear, more sadness and more confusion. These emotions will not go away, and they will not die out, as long as you keep them inside yourself.
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